Balancing Autoimmune Disease and Mental Health

Personal Story: Esperanza shares her journey of dealing with rheumatoid arthritis and mental health challenges. She discusses the connection between childhood trauma and her physical health, as well as the importance of seeking help and finding the right medication. She emphasizes the need to prioritize one's well-being and not be ashamed of getting help. Esperanza also highlights the role of support groups, social connections, and positive affirmations in her healing process. She encourages others to share their stories and be a guide for those going through similar struggles.

Guest: Esperanza Pacheco
IG: @esppac
 TikTok @esppac1

Buzzsprout - Let's get your podcast laun
Have you ever wanted to start your own podcast? Start for FREE Buzzsprout using this link. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hello, thank you for coming on to this podcast. Can you introduce yourself and just say a little bit about yourself?

Speaker 2: 0:19

librarian. I've had some changes in employment recently which I can talk about. I went to school to get my master's in library science. I love to travel. That's part of my bio I forgot to include. But yeah, I love to travel. I love to drive. I'm not a huge fan of planes, but I'd take them. I'd prefer to drive if I can drive, but I like to travel in general.

Speaker 1: 0:54

I've taken a few road trips. So I'm like I like road trips too and I mean I'll fly also if I have to, but I feel like there's always like that little anxiety, but I'm still doing it, yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:05

Yeah, I get it.

Speaker 1: 1:06

So this is something new that I'm doing with the podcast, because in my previous episodes for the podcast and anyone who's listened before I've had a lot of experts come in talk about the things they do, different topics like educational type stuff, and so for this podcast, I wanted to give people an opportunity if they wanted to come on. Not necessarily you don't have to be an expert, you know, but I wanted to like just allow people to come on and just share whatever they feel like sharing, like whether it's a story, whatever, and so I'm really glad you signed up. Was there something you wanted to share?

Speaker 2: 1:48

yeah. So, um, I wanted to share a bit about my year, this year, which happens to be like one of the most difficult years of my life, but I do want to say it starts off like really sad but then it gets better, I promise. But the first thing was like earlier this year I had lost my job, which was difficult for me because I was the director of a public library, so that was really hard for me to kind of transition out of that. I was pregnant and I had an abortion, unfortunately, and a lot of. There were many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons was I have an autoimmune disease that became so painful. Generally during pregnancy the symptoms should alleviate and become a little bit less, and for me it was the opposite and it was really really unbearable. That again, along with a lot of other reasons you know, led me to make my decision.

Speaker 2: 2:51

And then, very recently actually, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and this is in addition to like depression, anxiety and things that I've already been diagnosed with fairly recently since the pandemic. So yeah, so all that stuff sounds really bad, but again, I promise like everything kind of resolved itself, like in the last, the last, like few months, like I do, you know, know, I, I consider myself a hustler, like I like did everything I could to find like new insurance, new health care, like kind of like re, it felt like I was reinventing my entire life, basically. But, um, I do like want to share that. You know, I found a new job. I started training, um, I'm starting that very soon.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Um, my autoimmune disease is now under control and this is, like you know, you know, within a few months. So I feel very like, I feel like I put in a lot of hard work and it's something that I've, you know, kind of just put a little bit more thought into and and it, you know, basically everything is a lesson. It taught me like you don't have to accomplish everything right now, like I'm 33 years old, so sometimes you feel like the clock is ticking, like I have to do it now, and that like overshadows your decisions. You know, I've found out, thankfully I am able to have a healthy child. So it's like if I do want to do that in the future, there's no rush, like I can do that, like that is an option for when I'm ready no, it sounds like you went through a lot.

Speaker 1: 4:26

It was a tough time. Yeah, so during the time you said, you were still employed, like as a librarian and the librarian stuff.

Speaker 2: 4:35

Yes, I was. I was a library director at my former job. It was I was at that location for six years and I was the library director for two years and it ended up being really complicated and my autoimmune disease actually was kind of getting bad while I was there Without even you know noticing I was getting burnt out. I feel like it's kind of like a Latina generational thing to be like, oh, my problems aren't that bad. Like I, you know I have a really good paying job, I am the boss, like I'm not giving this up, no matter what. So I think I have to do a better job at, you know, like making my mental health a priority, because I won't even like allow myself to feel that way or to think that way. I'll be like no, you know, this is what I have to do. I have to struggle through it.

Speaker 2: 5:30

If you know, I had a board member who was very disrespectful to me and I I'm very proud of you know. I was like I don't appreciate his disrespect and I don't have to be here. It's like it's actually a little bit liberating to think. Like you know, I had kind of you know some not an argument, but you know when I like finally got to like the end and decided not to return. I was telling my, my boss, like I'm not coming back, I'm not running this meeting, I'm not doing, like I finally wait till the very, like, very end, like where I'm about to blow up to be like, no, I'm not doing this. And she was like no, you have to. And then I remember just like thinking I was like wait a second, like I have free will, like I don't have to do anything. And I never went back and you know it's it.

Speaker 2: 6:13

Was it the best way to leave a job? Maybe not Like I. Again, this is what, unfortunately, like how bad I let it get before I feel like I set a boundary, which is a lesson that I've learned. But yeah, it is. It is very liberating to be like wait, I don't have to do any of this, I don't have to be part of this. This doesn't have to be my story.

Speaker 2: 6:31

It's difficult to you know, to get through it. It took me, you know, months and I had to refigure everything out, but it was. You know, when I look back, I don't regret it for a second Cause I'm like I, I couldn't handle it there anymore. And now you know, I'm starting a new job. It's kind of like a a change of scenery. It's the head of the children's department, so I'll be a children's librarian and I'm like you know what this the director of this library. It's a much smaller place. She just cares so much more about mental health. She knows about my story. She decided to hire me. She, you know, she understands a little bit more and she promises that it'll be a healthy work environment and that, you know, you're able to take a remote day if you need to take a day off, if you need to. As long as I communicate with her, you know, check in with her. She's very respectful of my needs would be. So that's already like. What more could I ask for, you know?

Speaker 1: 7:27

Yeah, that sounds way better.

Speaker 2: 7:29

And.

Speaker 1: 7:29

I feel you too, because sometimes, like I feel like we work so hard to get these jobs right, like we went to school, like we do all these things, and I feel like, once we're there, like it can even be like I feel I feel like guilty, like if I don't do right if. I don't like yeah, do my job. Or like appreciate this role, or whatever exactly so I get it Like it could be really hard to just take care of ourselves.

Speaker 2: 7:59

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1: 8:00

But yeah, it also sounds like your. Your previous boss wasn't very flexible right With working around what you were going through.

Speaker 2: 8:11

Yeah, so there were a number of reasons. This setting was a really challenging work environment. It was a much bigger library, you know, it was a bigger city. There was so much going on that you know I don't I'm not like, um, no, I have no ill will towards like. You know, it was a tough thing, but they they're just kind of like their heads are in different places. They're not. Their priority is not this individual, they're more like.

Speaker 2: 8:38

You know, a lot of people will say they're more politically charged and they have their own agendas, which is very common in my workplace, because public libraries are ran by a board of trustees which is elected by the mayor, and that's not always a bad thing, I think. You know, in my experience it's never been a terrible thing. It's more, depending on my position at the time, you know I had to deal with these with not only the board but, like the council, I had to deal with all these parties by myself as a library director, so that it put me in a tough position, like in, you know, in my current job still, still as a board. But I don't have to necessarily report to them, I don't have to present to them and you know I don't have to have necessarily direct communication with them, like I can write reports and things like that. That will, um, end up in their hands. But I don't necessarily have to be that face anymore where you're kind of like a liaison, but sometimes you just feel like you're in the middle of. You know I have to do what they say, but then also, um, you know, protect my staff, like it was.

Speaker 2: 9:41

It was just a difficult place to be in and that's kind of like that's all around. You know, like I said in libraries, um, but yeah, I definitely when, when I was doing my job search for this current job, I was like I do want to take a step back. I don't want to be a director right now. You know I need something different. And yeah, like you said, it's hard because it's less pay, it's like a smaller role, but it is the head of a department, like I'm still in my field.

Speaker 2: 10:09

You know, I'm very grateful for this opportunity that came up and, right off the bat, um I, the way I actually even met this director was that when I was director, I would go to a number of networking opportunities. So that's how I knew her in the first place and you know she, um, I felt comfortable reaching out to her asking about her open roles. And so, you know, when I look back, I'm like really proud of myself. I'm like I'm the one that made these connections, I'm the one that made it easier on myself now to find something new and she had shared with me. You know, this is a position where you can grow.

Speaker 2: 10:46

She's like if I'm not here forever, she's like I know you have experience as a director. So if that's something you want to pursue, you know it's like right off the bat, I would like heard these promising things that kind of fit more into the mold of what I see for my future. So I was like, oh cool, like you know, obviously I'm not going to take her job tomorrow, like it's not, like it's going to happen overnight, like that. But you know, if it is something that comes up, it's nice to know she's thinking of me. It's nice to know I have the credentials for it, I have the degree, I have the experience. So already it's like I feel, you know, just like this is a much better fit for me. So I like that a lot.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Nice. Well, congrats on that, on finding something that you love and enjoy and these are both public library, like your previous job and your current job and these are both public library, like your previous job and your current job.

Speaker 2: 11:36

Yes, and what was tough is like for a while I was. I had to decide, or I had to figure out, if I could be on disability because of my autoimmune disease. During the winter it gets so bad that I didn't even know if I could work. So it that's a really scary thing to have in the back of your head because come the winter I don't know how bad I'm going to feel. But you know I can't necessarily live with that anxiety. I have to just keep pushing forward. You know like I kind of you know what I would like to work, so that I it's very hard but I have to think of just like the now. I have to be present in the moment. I have to, you know, mindfulness I need to. I need to take care of myself now and kind of just trust that the process will unravel in the best way possible for me. So wish me luck.

Speaker 1: 12:25

I ask like what your autoimmune is and like how that affects you, just kind of like daily, like how does it show up?

Speaker 2: 12:38

affects you just kind of like daily. Like how does it show up? Yes, so I have rheumatoid arthritis, which is an autoimmune disease that I was diagnosed with in 2020 during the pandemic, which I don't think is a mistake, but I think everything kind of happened at once, like not only in a stressful time, but I think that, for me at least, that was the first time at age it was about age 29, that it manifested at all, like I'd never had any symptoms, even though technically you have it since you're born. I had never had any symptoms whatsoever. It kind of just flared up, but I do. You know, some of the things I learned were that, for me personally at least, I think it stems a lot from childhood trauma and I think it's like very much mental stress as well as physical stress, like if there's something you haven't taken care of mentally there throughout the last few years, like tried therapy, tried medications and things like that for my mental health, but it's a struggle, like it's always very trial and error figuring that stuff out. But for my physical health, I also take medication, which I've tried so many things that worked for a little while and then stopped working. So, thankfully, you know, I take one pill a day now for it. That has been working um for this year.

Speaker 2: 13:59

But yeah, it basically affects my joints. So it could be any joints throughout my body. And, um, recently it's like my hands, like they're okay right now but like the I can't like pick up like super heavy things. And it's not necessarily like a muscle issue, it's more like the like I can't always, like I can't open a bottle of water because it's like the way that you have to grip it, like my joints can't like necessarily do that. But yeah, it's like. In the past it's been like my feet, it's been my shoulders. Last winter, especially during the pregnancy, it was terrible. I could barely use my arm, I could barely walk, my knees were swollen, I was limping. I was in just such severe pain. The medication wasn't working. There are certain medications you can't take for RA while you're pregnant, so everything was just so overcomplicated that, again, that's what you know, one of the biggest things that led me to make my decision about the abortion. But, yeah, the autoimmune disease it has gotten. There are points in my past where it's gotten so bad Um again with like different medications, or if I've been stubborn to stop taking medications, thinking like, oh, I'll just, I'll be fine without it.

Speaker 2: 15:13

That does not work for me. But, um, there's so many like, oh, I'll just, I'll be fine without it. That does not work for me. But, um, there's so many like um different like combinations of things. Like for a while I was taking my medication plus Tylenol every day and recently I've been able to stop taking the Tylenol, except, you know, if needed.

Speaker 2: 15:28

But there are so many just like little intricacies of of medications you can take and I've tried like physical therapy, like there's there's a lot that that you have to figure out, because you know everything. You know different things work for different people. Generally, a lot of people are like, oh, you're too young for that and that it's something that, like older folks get, and I'm like, well, I have it and I don't know what to tell you. But a lot of that there are. Like there are some I know at least of like one or two of um peers who have had it like since they were kids. So there are like pediatricians that deal with it too. So you know as much as it's not necessarily a young people thing, again, it is, it is what it is Like. I have it and I have to. You know, it's my responsibility to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 16:17

Okay, so so you're. You said that you're born with it, with it, and then just some like triggers, that something causes it to flare up at one point.

Speaker 2: 16:28

Yes, so I think that that's for me at least. What I've learned is that it's kind of a childhood trauma, generational thing. I know a lot of people that's not necessarily what the science says, like that's not what doctors necessarily say, so it's hard to it's hard to say that confidently. But again, I know myself best and I think that's where it comes from, because there are like a few I've read, I've read about, you know as much as I could about this, and there are. There is at least one like doctor, philosopher, dr Gabor Mate, who does talk about matured arthritis stems from childhood traumas.

Speaker 2: 17:05

You know, some of the things doctors will ask are is it genetic? Like, does anyone in your family have it? And for me, no, not necessarily like my. You know my family doesn't have a history of it. But, um, you know, generational trauma doesn't just go away, like it's not just, um, something that you know.

Speaker 2: 17:23

If your parents moved to, like my parents said, moved to a new country, had children, that doesn't mean all of a sudden their lives became, you know, perfect it, especially in my household where and many common Latino households you don't talk about things at all. If things are difficult, it's too difficult to bring up and to talk about, and so that has suppressed me a lot in my childhood and you know I didn't have like a physically abusive childhood or anything like that. But I do feel able to regulate my emotions. I was never able to talk about things and I'm kind of like the black sheep of my family who I'm the one who always, like, wanted to talk about those things. But you know, I was always the most sensitive one, the one with, like the bigger feelings, whereas my sister, like she's able to just forgive everything. Move on, everyone deals with things their own way and their own way, and things do catch up with you in their own way. But this is me and this in my ankles and my feet and wondering like why it's hard to to walk and and things like that.

Speaker 2: 18:37

And when I got a blood test that showed like a high rheumatoid count and that's kind of like what began my journey into, you know, figuring out how to stop this, one of the very first medications that I tried worked like physically worked amazingly well, but I was starting to have like suicidal thoughts and, um, I had to stop that and that was hard because, um, some, my first doctor didn't believe me. She's like, no, this doesn't do that. Like that, that can't be it. So that also began my journey of like seeking multiple doctors and when this one couldn't help me, I had to find a new one. And then, like that, you know, caused the changes in medication, changes and you know, other, because there's always, like side effects to the medication. So it became this like, you know, very complicated journey of like what's the best doctor, what's the best medication, and all of that.

Speaker 2: 19:35

Yeah, like I said, for me personally, I think it came from, you know, the stress and trauma, and I do think it works hand in hand with your mental health and your physical health.

Speaker 2: 19:46

I don't think it's a mistake that I say, like, if you ignore one, like it'll show up in the other way.

Speaker 2: 19:54

But you know, it's not that I necessarily ignore my mental health, but I never really, I guess, had an outlet to express it in a healthy way. So it's all the stuff that I'm working on right now, you know, is like trying to, you know, have a doctor, a psychiatrist, who can help me with my mental health and then a rheumatologist who helps me with my physical health, and as hard as it is to, you know, have a doctor, a psychiatrist who can help me with my mental health, and then a rheumatologist who helps me with my physical health. And as hard as it is to, you know, think about medication, I thankfully just take like one pill for this, one pill for that a day, and then I'm like that's what I need right now, you know. So as much as I like shame myself for it or like feel embarrassed about it, I'm like this is what I need, this is what will help me, so I'm worth getting that help that I need every single day. So that's how I try to look at it.

Speaker 1: 20:42

No, yeah, for sure, and there's only. I definitely feel like you know it's connected, because there's only so much like, if you're not pressing your emotions like you said right, it was in your household, you weren't able to really express yourself Like you're just kind of holding on to everything. It's going to catch up to you at some point and so, whether it be physically, mentally, both you know everything. I feel like everything is connected for sure.

Speaker 2: 21:11

Yes, yeah, I agree, and it's very difficult, like for me with my sister's a year and a half older and she's like, like I said, kind of like the opposite of me. So it's not like I ever really had an example of like. You know, this is how you deal with your emotions, or like, if you need to talk to me about it, talk to me about it. I can't even talk to her about it because she just doesn't get it, and you know it's not intentional. But, um, you know, I remember struggling a lot in high school and my mom, you know, would just be like, oh, we'll find you a therapist, but it never happened. So I'm like I probably could have used it back then, like I obviously like was very emotional, like I was struggling, um, so, yeah, I could have used like the help a lot sooner. That's like my biggest piece of advice, I guess, to other like fellow Latinas, and is, like you know, don't be ashamed of getting help, because you know what's the worst that could happen. But also to be able to use me as an example, like not necessarily like a bad example, like don't let it get that bad, but like if I can go through it, you can go through it. You know I have to deal with this and you know you can manage it. It's you should not. There's no reason that you should be struggling every day If you can help it. You know, like there's.

Speaker 2: 22:27

I'm, like I said, I'm trying to get like help now, especially with the diagnosis of BPD. Now that like kind of answers a lot of questions for me about, about my emotions, like since I was a kid, really since high school especially like I kind of always had like paranoid thoughts. I always thought, you know, I had a lot of abandonment issues, I always thought people didn't love me enough. I've been struggling with that a lot recently, which is why I went to a psychiatrist and, you know, thinking like this is normal, I'll get over it, like when good things happen, I'll be fine. But you deserve to feel good even when good things aren't necessarily happening. And you should have kind of like this baseline of you know, don't you shouldn't be like stuck in a hole every day like that.

Speaker 2: 23:11

Recently that's how I had been feeling, especially with, you know, everything that transpired this year, and so, um, you know, now I'm taking an antidepressant and even though there's no similar to RA, there's no cure for BPD, but, um, you know there's ways to manage it. So, one, the very like first thing that I'm doing right now is getting back on on my antidepressant, which has been super helpful because, yeah, there's, you know there's I've noticing such a difference with you know, my problems aren't just not really solved necessarily, but any like loneliness, I feel any abandonment, I feel I'm kind of just experiencing it instead of letting it like consume me completely. And I decided, you know, with starting this new job, I'm like I again I deserve to feel as normal as I possibly can. Like in starting a new job, I'm responsible for providing a good service and doing the best that I can. So that you know, knowing how I've been feeling lately, of just feeling like down, just feeling like my normal has just been down and upset and and all of that, I'm like I.

Speaker 2: 24:20

I need to be just like again, as normal as I possibly can, not letting myself get down or triggered really by like every little thing. It's more like I want this baseline of feeling comfortable. You know good things, if good things happen and I feel good about them, that's great. But yeah, I can't necessarily just rely on something you know huge happening every day. I need to have this. I need to have just this, this normalcy. I need to have this comfort of, of feeling, you know, like every day is is. You know I can breathe, you know so. So that's been, that's been a journey.

Speaker 1: 24:58

Oh yeah, definitely. If you know you're having, if you're like having these bad days every single day or like days where you're not feeling well, you're feeling like sad, like you know something's not right, it's so exhausting and you know to just live like that and, like you said, just the importance of like reaching out for support or help or just, you know, connecting to a therapist, or like it's so important because everyone deserves happy life, to just be comfortable and just be happy. You know, every know every day.

Speaker 2: 25:34

Yeah, that's another thing that was like a bit of a struggle for me with with my mental health is, like in the past, like some of the depressive episodes that I've had, um, I was able to kind of just get over it with time. So that was like kind of my um, my like template for getting over depression. I'm like, oh, it just takes time. You know, like I, I'll get over it next month and I gave myself these like timelines or deadlines, like, okay, you know you're not crying as much, so by next month you'll be fine, or or whatnot. This, you know, I always keep like kind of like a schedule of like upcoming things to distract me. Like I'm going to go to this show, I'm going to go to this, to this like. But there comes a point where, like, um, you just need more help, like it's just the honest truth, because you know I can distract myself as much as I want and and it helps. You know I I'm like a hustler, like I will go out, I'll make plans, I'll try, I'll try. I feel like I've tried and exhausted like everything, like when it comes to the point where it's like debilitating because you're doing everything in your power to feel better, but you still feel like this emptiness, then it's not your fault. You know what I mean. Like you, I was like telling this doctor like I'm like I'm doing everything I can, but it just doesn't feel like enough and I need help and and that's okay. Like, don't, don't, like, I don't think you should be draining yourself like that every day. To like once in a while it's good to like do things to distract me. But my personal goal is like I want to be able to sit here on my couch like and not feel like this debilitating loneliness and abandonment. And that for me, means medication right now, it means an antidepressant, and that's.

Speaker 2: 27:11

I'm saying this. I'm like proud of myself for saying this out loud, because it's so hard for me to accept like for this, like entire year, I'm like no, I don't need that. Like no, I've done it before. It helped me, but I only needed it for a year. Like I don't need it anymore. And it's like who am I trying to prove this to? Like all I have to do is like prove it to myself. You know, like, if that's what I need and if it makes me feel better to think, okay, it's only for a year.

Speaker 2: 27:36

Whatever it is, then, fine, you need, if you need help, you just need that extra help. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't mean you know you're a failure, because it does make me feel a little bit like, oh damn, I couldn't conquer it on my own. I was, I was able to do it by myself before, and now I can't do it anymore. And it's scary, I'm not going to lie, it's very scary. But yeah, you are worth just being able to live day to day and you're able. You're allowed to make mistakes, you're allowed to fail, you're allowed to figure it out, and I think that's one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to teach myself to is like trust yourself you know.

Speaker 2: 28:15

You know you're not. You know you're doing everything you can. You know you're not a bad person. Try to have these like positive affirmations instead of like telling myself I'm a failure, like be grateful that you're. You're getting the help that you need. That's very important to keep in mind. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 28:32

Yeah, and that's like a common. I feel like that's a common theme, I guess I don't know like with like having to take medications, like a lot of people are like oh, I don't want to take medications, Like I don't want to be on these medications forever, or just asking for help sometimes can feel like weird or overwhelming even. But again, I feel like that's in part due to like the way that we grow up, and especially right, Like we were talking about in Latino households, like kind of putting yourself last, holding everything in like. So as an adult it could be hard to like even ask for help still, but definitely important.

Speaker 2: 29:17

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:18

So, given with everything you know, your experience with finding out your RA diagnosis, you know the or the job stuff that was going on, so definitely like a very like overwhelming stressful moment in your life to where you are now, what was what happened in between, what kind of helped you get to the point where you are now and just having like this different mindset about everything and you know like what was it that you would suggest to others or what did you do, or what kind of happened.

Speaker 2: 29:56

Yes, one of the first things with my physical condition is like I had to find, I had to find what medication works best for that. You know, after the pregnancy there was, there were more options available to me, so that that in itself was was a difficult thing because, especially Latino culture, they're like have the baby, no matter what. Have the baby. It's kind of like the baby becomes priority and it's like I'm suffering here. So when I was able to take myself seriously and be like it's hard, but I deserve to feel okay throughout this Pregnancy is hard enough. I'm not going to like eye over this. You know that again very, very difficult decision, but, um, I was just in so much pain that, yeah, the first thing when I, you know, was no longer pregnant was I was able to take, um, a new or more advanced medication which has been helpful so far. So that was the first thing is like my physical health, because there were like times where I could barely like get up, I could barely get out of bed, like the physical pain was so bad. So that's one of the things that definitely helps because that improves your quality of life for sure. Like I said, with like this hustler mindset of being social.

Speaker 2: 31:18

Once it got nice, I joined groups like Amigas Latinas, amigas y Mas. I joined the Instagram groups, the TikTok groups, the Discord groups to try to make as many plans as possible. I've been really lucky to connect with people like yourself and connect with other women who I didn't necessarily try to trauma dump on them, but there are some people you connect with and you tell them things. There are others where you just talk about good things, like it all feeds you know positive things into my life to just um socialize and um be able to get my mind off things and and also just build positive connections. At the same time, like I don't associate like any of these places with something bad. I created new experiences and new memories with them, so it became like this good thing to look at in my life.

Speaker 2: 32:08

Another thing was TikTok helped me so much. I was so afraid when they were talking about banning it. I hope it never gets banned because I you just learn so much. Not only does your algorithm kind of you know find you in a way, but I just you know again, I wasn't just getting like bad things about like abortions. I was getting like positive affirmations. I was getting um, women who were going through similar things and got through them. I was, I was getting like tarot card readers, which I know can be a little controversial, but for me I took away like the positive affirmations of it, like, um, how you know, I deserve to, to grow, I deserve good things and I just learned so much because you kind of learned that you're definitely not alone.

Speaker 2: 32:55

Like people either have similar experiences or they teach you something about their experiences, and not that you should ever compare, but people have gone through really bad things and I'm really proud of the women who have been able to share their journeys on TikTok. People like share embarrassing stories, funny stories, past experiences. It just shows you we're kind of all in this together. And people like to joke like, oh, I've never had a unique experience before. We're kind of all in this together. And you know, people like to joke like oh, I've never had a unique experience before. Like it's kind of nice to know. Like she's been through this and she got through it and she's talking about it in public and it's amazing and I learned about.

Speaker 2: 33:35

Like really powerful people like there's one girl. People like there's um one girl, uh, jordan turpin, who many people had seen on the news, who escaped a very abusive family and kind of saved her and her siblings. There's gypsy rose blanchard, again a very controversial figure, but a girl who's my age who, um, suffered munchinson by proxy disease because of her mom, then was sent to prison for eight years and now is like living a new life. And, um, there's so many like examples that you can follow that not necessarily you want to be like them, but who have gone through something difficult and, you know, have prevailed and can teach you something. And then you know again, not to compare but to for you to learn, you know what you want to take from there and and, oh, if she can get through this, then I can get through this. And, um, what are some of the tools that she used to get over her personal struggle? And maybe that's something I can use and kind of giving yourself these milestones of like, okay, like, this is where I am now, where do I want to be.

Speaker 2: 34:42

I don't necessarily journal all the time, but when I was going through like a really hard time in the winter, I would try to write, you know, down how I was feeling and how I wanted to feel six months from now how I want to feel a year from now. So, even like a month later, looking back on that, I was like, oh wow, I can't believe, when I look back, like how I was able to change all of these negatives to a positive and like less than six months. So, you know, I I started becoming like more religious, which I was like I really shied away from like in the last few years of my life. But it's something, you know, something that just ended up working for me and is like a very personal journey for me and is like a very personal journey, and so I I did try to look a lot like for outside things to help me. But again, more than only which is important is where, like, the medication and the right medications are able to assist you, because, yes, I deserve to have like a full, well rounded, healthy life. And, yeah, I definitely would say things got better, I feel better.

Speaker 2: 35:45

You know, things are not perfect, but definitely different and my biggest, biggest hope is that, you know, by the end of this year, by this coming winter, I'll be in a completely different place than I was last year and last winter last time. And it's really scary because with my anxiety. I'm like, oh my God, what if? What if the same thing just cycles all over again? What if I'm in pain again? What if this, what if that? But you know it's my responsibility to to look at um, everything I've gone through, everything I've learned, use every resource possible to make sure that I don't return back to that place and that you know, even if it's like a little bit of progress, baby steps, that you know I don't want to be in pain this winter, I don't want to be depressed this winter, I don't want to have suicidal thoughts this winter. Whatever that, you know it means for me to progress even a little bit. It's, it's worth it.

Speaker 1: 36:38

Yes, Thank you so much for sharing some of your story and just how you overcame a lot of these challenges and are still overcoming right.

Speaker 1: 36:49

A lot of those challenges. But, yeah, I agree with just everything you said. I feel like everyone's going through something. I feel like everyone needs therapy that's what I tell people Like everyone needs a therapist Because everyone's going through something, even if it's something that seems small. Like you know, yeah, there's never going to be like a perfect life. There's always going to be some kind of stress, like something. But the important part is to the way that you react to that stress, you know, in that moment and asking for help or talking about it, and not just like holding everything into yourself. And so, yes, like we're not alone in our struggles and the way that we're feeling, yeah, sometimes like seeing someone else that has like a similar story, like not so much comparing yourself, like you said, but it kind of gives us hope. It kind of gives you like a little feeling of hope and just you know, knowing that you're you're not by yourself.

Speaker 2: 37:59

Yeah, I mean there's a time where, like you know, with other amigas and stuff in the groups that I've joined, where, um, I would be like I couldn't say like the word abortion without breaking into tears.

Speaker 2: 38:10

You know what I'm saying. So, yeah, there are things that do take a little bit of time but also take like reframing and and and medication, like I said, and now I'm like I never really like pictured that I would be able to talk about this and again, like just a few months later, I'm like it's kind of it feels to me like worth it to talk about again because you could be helping somebody else. You could be someone else out there might be struggling with making the decision how to get through it. Why am I not over it, anything like that? And it's like you know, I want to be an example to other females, other women, other Latinas, and I I want I want people to like learn from me and you know kind of take like the positives of of you know what I've been through and you know we're here to help each other. I think that's what always helps me and and I think it's important to kind of be that guide for other people as well.

Speaker 1: 39:05

Yes, Very beautifully said, thank you. But yeah, thank you so much for coming on to the mental health ish podcast and, with that being said, like if anyone that's listening has a story they would like to share or talk about, you can always reach out and the website for this podcast is mentalhealthishcom. So feel free to reach out. And yeah, thank you so much. I really appreciate your time. It was nice talking to you. You too, thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 39:38

I'll talk to you soon.